It's a damn cold night...

Forgiving is love's toughest work, and love's biggest risk. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
いつか失ってしまうのかな。薄れてゆく笑顔と君を守りたい。
-- D-technolife

If fate is a wheel, then we are the sand that is crushed between the cogs.

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

独自并不代表孤单,在一群人中狂笑着有时更寂寞。
-- 吴庆康

At times it may not even seem rational, but the heart has a computing ability that is far more accurate and far more precise than anything within the limits of rational thought.
-- Deepak Chopra
于是我让孤独更孤独,有一种不是悲伤的悲伤,才是刻骨铭心的悲伤。
Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love.
-- St Francis.
People's actions are influenced by their expectations. People respond not just to what is happening now, but to what they anticipate will happen in the future.
-- Sloman
不管你会不会忘了我,我只想告诉你一个秘密。
--《不能说的·秘密》

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind.
-- Deepak Chopra

The furthest distance in the world is not between life and death but when I stand in front of you yet you don't know that I love you.
-- Tagore
Do do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own. There is no need to add to the troubles each day brings.
-- Matt 6:34

まだ不器用に笑うね まだ悲しみが似合うから
キミに降る痛みを 拭ってあげたい すべて I for you
-- I For You

the optimistic pessimist

supposedly an adult, she thinks like an adult (too much, if you ask me). deep inside, she is nothing but a little girl, with her little lofty dreams and ideals. and oops, she is breaking them, one by one.
more often than not, she is just an angsty emo kid.

she is only but
a passer-by,

an onlooker,
a walking shadow.

and this girl can't stop writing.

she stalks

|| cyn bea bao zou mel ||
|| joan weepz ||
|| blockc yeanching lehia kexi zhenlin horace alvin dina sandra becca tzehee ||
|| cruzteng peifen dasmondkoh ||
|| xiaozhu xiaogui sunxiezhi ashin kangyong ||
|| derrick jinglun stefsun natho lawrencewong ||
|| feliciachin joannepeh jeanetteaw sharonaw ||
|| xiaohan hyr chimkang mingde dannyyeo ||
|| xuyunling alvinology mrbrown esther ||
|| drbondar psychdigest ||
|| kfdrawing iwrotethisforyou thingsweforget ||

After all, what is in the past but what we choose to remember? They can choose not to hide it, to take what's broken, to feel the pain and know that it will heal. They know where happiness lies, not in a cave or a country, but in love and the freedom to give and take what has been there all along.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

she watches on

Others desire to experience the blessedness of giving, but we often frustrate them by refusing their help.


“你有心事吗?”
“或许有一天,我会告诉你吧。”
--《不能说的·秘密》

she holds on

 Memories were also a way of looking in a mirror, but it was a jagged mirror of broken glass, one that cast imperfect reflections. Like shards, these memories drew blood.

February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012 February 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 February 2013 March 2013 April 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 October 2013 November 2013 December 2013 January 2014 February 2014 March 2014 April 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 August 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 February 2017 April 2017 May 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 November 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 April 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 October 2018 November 2018 December 2018 February 2019 April 2019 June 2019 August 2019 October 2019 December 2019 January 2020 February 2020 March 2020 April 2020 May 2020 July 2020 November 2020 February 2021 April 2021 July 2021 September 2021 November 2021 March 2022

she never gets

永远不会交的功课 || 永远不会实现的愿望

|| you ||

Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself... Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-- Deepak Chopra

she thanks

Designer : Wei Jun
Brushes : Deviantart - Spy Glass

I don't know, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm a pair of eyes and ears, and I'm just trying to stay safe and make sense of what's happening. I know what to avoid, what to worry about.I'm like those kids who live with gunfire going off around them. I don't want pain. I don't want to die. I don't want to see other people around me die. But I don't have anything left inside me to figure out where I fit in or what I want. If I want anything, it's to know what's possible to want.
-- The Bonesetter's Daughter

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Wednesday, December 28, 2005
withers away @ 11:50 pm

had 6a class outing today! haha.. 9 ppl turned up.. erm if meihui included that'll be 10, just that she came for a while only.. well after 6 yrs.. at least a quarter turned up:)
talked over dinner and after that too.. it was nice to recall all abt our pri sch days and really how much we can remember.. the things we did, people we met, specific incidents.. our different houses, different groups, even our register nos.. haha.. we had alot of fun.. and i really think we're the only people who played rounders.. haha.. it was nice to sit around to reminiscise though there were instances of awkward silence.. we had a fair share of laughs too.. exchanged contacts too.. combining what we had, we could actually compile the whole class contacts except for 5 people.. that's pretty good already haha..
mei sze marianna tammy catherine ernest soon ying ying xian joel
in order of how we sat.. just wanna write it down.. haha..
picking up the bits and pieces left behind

It's something Mystical

Wednesday, December 21, 2005
withers away @ 11:22 pm

well this is going to be pretty outdated by nvm.. coz its nice!
last sat went to joan's place for bbq.. it was nice.. set up the bbq pit.. settled the food.. had a big rain but luckily it stopped soon.. meanwhile we played german bridge.. its fun! when will we get to play again.. bleah.. den we started to bbq.. nice food! haha.. but otah wasnt nice.. towards the end we played zhong ji mi ma to finish up the food.. haha.. went back into the house to watch soccer.. den played.. intended to leave at 11 but the game was just too addictive haha.. ended up taking the last train for both the NS line and the EW line.. rox lah.. last bus too.. damn lucky lah.. haha.. i enjoyed myself.. yeah.. :)
take care.. take care.. how many times have i said this..
these few days when im at home.. been packing my cupboard, looking thru old stuff and throwing useless stuff away to give way for possibly new stuff.. friends have been nice to me.. but have i been nice to them?

It's something Mystical

Tuesday, December 20, 2005
withers away @ 1:49 am

here goes.. the trip..

08122005 1.53am
on the way to beijing.. realized its the first time i've taken a flight in the middle of the night.. all the lights are off.. so nice.. im in one of the planes joan and i saw two nights ago.. not my time to sleep yet now.. so here am i writing.. will try to sleep later..
i've got nowhere to go anymore. what am i to do?

[i forgot to note down the time.. oops]
on the plane to tokyo.. transfered plane in beijing just now took.. really long.. but experienced -11deg there.. no joke man.. its really cold.. den we were all frantically trying to put on clothes, gloves and what have u.. but its pretty cool too.. can really feel that its winter.. looking at all the breaths of people haha.. as though we're all steamboats all something..

09122005 12.16am jap time
waching discovery channel in hotel now.. love this hotel man.. so nice and warm.. haha.. oh wells didnt do much today coz by the time we settled all the transfer stuff in beijing and waiting for people etc in tokyo it was pretty late already.. its ok.. lots to look forward to tml.. disneyland in the morning till 4pm and then heading for mt fuji and staying there beside a lake.. cool man..

10122005 10.07am
disneyland ytd was fun.. it was really like going back to childhood days.. like finding back my dreams.. hoho.. but i didnt get to sit on all the rides.. coz dad didnt allow me to go with the 3 siblings who were abt the same age as me in our tour group.. bleahz.. but nvm lah still quite fun.. haha..
den we headed for kawaguchiko hotel.. the one near mt fuji.. lake's just outside.. went for a walk at night.. damn nice.. though v cold.. haha.. stars are really beautiful there.. coz its really dark.. streetlights aren't v bright.. and its in the suburban area.. haha.. so can see the stars v clearly.. had a v traditional jap experience here coz this hotel is a v old one.. an old jap obaasan is in charged.. v kind and all.. wore yukata for dinner and slept in it too.. slept on a tatami.. ate sashimi.. shyabushyabu.. went for hot spring bath.. water comes from mt fuji.. haha.. didnt dare to go at first.. but since we were all first-timers and there were no other outsiders besides those from our tour group we just went.. haha..
woke up at 6.30am to see mt fuji.. tour guide said its difficult to see it usually coz its super foggy.. its super cold coz its early morning.. dad woke up even earlier to go out and see if can see anything anot.. well its all worth it.. mt fuji was nice.. haha.. we were lucky man.. no fog.. and i took pictures of it at different times so it was of different colours.. haha.. plus the lake and everything.. v nice..
i love winter.. its actually v cooling and not cold after u are used to it.. of coz with all the proper clothings on lah.. nice snow.. but havent see snowing yet.. looking forward to it..

9.15pm
it snowed at abt 5+ today.. beautiful sight.. as though we're watching tv or smth.. haha..
covered. waiting to be unravelled.
moral of the story: be satisfied. dun wait till the snow stops. or when u have to go. too late.
[wad kinda weird thoughts was i having man..]
its jap food again for lunch and dinner today.. there's sashimi every meal.. i almost finish everything they give but many in my tour group cant take the large amt of jap food, or more specifically, sashimi.. oh wells.. haha..
watching jap drama serial now without knowing wad exactly is being said.. my jap not that good anyway.. can never catch jap people when they talk.. no subtitles of any language.. but its ok i can roughly catch the meaning of the show.. interesting show.. going to play with snow tml.. yeah!

11122005 1.23pm
stayed in nagano in the morning.. went to the place where the winter olympics are held.. nice snow man.. really nice and pretty thick..
next we went to some snow mountain meant for snow sports.. not mt fuji.. its too steep.. driver kept driving to the wrong place and he had to make quite a no of u turns coz there was so much snow everywhere looked the same.. haha.. den after he dropped us off at a place we still had to walk quite some time in the snow.. saw icicles too! so nice.. haha.. v fun to play with snow..
we didnt ski though.. too ex and not worth it.. just took cable car up 1400m.. v nice.. v shuang.. coz the view is superb.. i dunno how to describe also.. first time im seeing a huge completely snow covered area yah.. hoho.. played with snow up there.. surprisingly its not v cold.. haha.. the snow was really v bright coz it was reflecting the sunlight.. white everywhere.. bare too.. except for one single tree.. obviously bare and snow covered too.. haha.. there's macs there on top of the mountain and we ate there.. at least using whatever jap that i can still rmbr i could still communicate with the guy behind the counter..
its just all v magical and surreal somehow.. so.. winter sonata.. haha..
on smth else.. we really experienced wad is japanese honesty man.. we all heard abt their hospitality courtesy and cleanliness etc.. superb.. incomparable.. haha.
one old granny in our tour group left her small purse under her pillow and forgot abt it till we were at the skiing mountain.. heard it contains hundreds of dollars.. not yen but sing dollars.. tour guide called the hotel and we went back to get it.. intact and all.. den she said that if we were too far away for us to go back to the hotel they would actually send it over to us by post. wow. im impressed..

9.41pm
just saw this place snow again.. first snow.. so winter sonata i cant believe it..
went to some park here.. didnt have time to finish seeing the whole place though... coz it closes at 4.30pm or so.. all shops here close at 7 or 7+.. its already sunset at abt.. 4? nothing to do at night loh.. but tv here is good.. haha.. no need to worry that i've got nothing to watch.. anyway today is the first time we finally had abit of time to go to their shopping centre to walk around.. bought an apple.. things are just too ex here haha..
den dad had to insist on walking another way back to the hotel instead of just simply backtracking.. tour guide said can call her or ask anyone.. find police and they will help send u back to the hotel.. if we are lost.. lo and behold we ended up lost.. so how? backtrack loh.. haha.. lucky we didnt take alot of turns.. just walked straight most of the time..
got cold again.. coz it ended up snowing.. nice.. haha.. was singing all the time.. v nice feeling..
ok time for jap drama again.. hoho..

13122005 12.08am
v ncie day today.. went to the sea of japan.. really nice.. waves, rocks.. cold sea breeze.. cool sea.. haha.. sat in shinkansen too.. yoohoo! the trip only took 15min when by bus it would take 1h+++.. v fast.. the interior looked pretty much like a plane.. nice cushioned seats, tables, overhead space for luggage, hooks for coats, toilets, telephones.. but its really ex man.. hmmm we watched a kimono show too.. kimonos are nice! its all really an experience.. last night in japan today.. sleeping in yukata everyday except for day 1.. watch jap show everyday.. using my almost forgotten jap to try to communicate with jap people.. i know i'll miss japan.. the courtesy.. the honesty ( i dropped a 1000 yen note and someone returned it to me).. the scenery.. and most of all the snow.. the way it snowed wherever we went.. so that i would also get to see first snow of that area.. the way i closed my eyes and the snow scene resurfaces in front of me.. love it..

2.50pm jap time
on the plane now to beijing.. lunch will be served pretty soon i guess.. oh wells..
im already missing japan.. japanese are nice.. we went to do a duty frees hop and bought quite alot of food.. tidbits.. den dad wanted to use up all his coins so he just threw everything on the counter.. took v long to count and stuff.. the guy behind the counter didnt appear impatient or anything.. still smiling.. helped us count.. but money wasnt enough.. actually we had notes but dad didnt use.. and i think the guy actually saw that we had money yah.. but guess wad.. he took money out from his own wallet to pay the remainder.. so nice! well its not alot of money only abt 30 yen but still i thought that was really nice of him.. hoho.. ok lunch is here talk later..

3.28pm
just had lunch.. it was sandwich doink.. i want SIA.. inflight entertainment for SIA is good.. so is the food.. hoho..
finally got a chance to sit at the window seat again.. the last time i couldnt really rmbr wad i saw.. but this time.. wow.. the scene is beautiful.. bird's eye view yah.. saw the whole of japan from the plane.. ok not really all coz there are lots of clouds.. but it was really nice to fly so high to see everything below.. even saw the shadows of clouds on the ocean.. damn nice haha.. or rather the ocean was nice.. mum was asking why the waves wun move.. well i guess coz we're too fast.. haha.. in the plane everything below looks static..
i miss japan.. i'll miss airplanes.. i miss sg..

14122005 12.50am beijing time
experienced wad is real cold man.. japan wasnt this cold though it was snowing.. the wind here is really terrible.. even dad was cold.. there was this gush of wind which made us unable to even step forward.. it was so cold we had to take shelter behind a pillar of a building first and wait for the gust of wind to stop.. brrrrrrr
didnt do much today so nthg to write.. hoho tv time.. i wonder how's everyone back at home..

15122005 11.27pm
we are now all stuck at the airport.. flight delayed by an hr.. bleah.. now got nothing to do so write loh.. haha.. ytd was too lazy to write and anyway i was watching a v nice movie.. erm i dunno the title though haha.. so ended up sleeping at 2+am ahha.. lucky mum wasnt awoken.. if not i die..
went to the great wall of china ytd.. damn difficult to climb lah.. but at least i've been there! hoho.. mum retreated early so dad and i continued.. of coz only for a certain distance lah.. till we were 888m above sea level.. den we went down coz it was too cold to stay up there and it was time to assemble.. winds in beijing is terrible.. even the tour guide who is used to the weather here says its cold.. oh well climbing the great wall isnt as difficult as coming down.. coz some parts are like super steep.. when u go up u dun really feel that u are going v high.. but when u come down u start to see how high it is and see how possible it is to miss a step and roll all the way down.. hoho. scary sia.. plus the strong winds which make me feel like im going to be blown away.. held on to the railings all the way down..
nothing much to say abt tiananmen and the forbidden city.. just v cold.. haha.. took photos.. that's abt it..
now everyone is stoning and sleeping here.. time for toilet.. miss everyone back home.. i miss home.. but so do i miss japan and first snow..

It's something Mystical

Monday, December 19, 2005
withers away @ 1:36 am

update.. but not on my trip yet.. haha sorry joan to disappoint u.. no time now.. but there's time for this.. haha
wu lun ni ken huo bu ken
wo bu xuan ze deng
deng dao ni jie shu hao jiu
dan shen de lv cheng
yao shi mei you ji mo pei chen
mei you tu zhong de hui chen
ni zen hui xiang wang jia men

ni yue shi xiang yao cheng ken
qi shi yue can ren
wei zhuang bu liao ni dui wo
mo shi de yan shen
ni bu xu wo ting xin yong heng
bu xu wo mi xin wo men
bu xu wo fen bu gu shen

duo xiang hua cheng yin xing de ren
yan shi wo shang hen
gei ni wo de ti wen hao bang ni qu zou han leng
dang bu cheng ye neng gan shou xin teng

duo xiang hua cheng yin xing de ren
yin cang wo de lei zai fan gun
wo zai ni ling luan shi jie liu xia de zhi wen
dui ni shi mei xin tiao de yi ge wen

peng you dou yu xin bu ren
ze bei wo yu chun
dan ta men dou hui bi wo
zhi zhuo de yan shen
ke zhi wo dui ai de qian cheng
ke zhi wo mi xin wo men
ke zhi wo nan de fang ren
yin xing ren by sun yanzi

It's something Mystical

Saturday, December 17, 2005
withers away @ 12:29 am

long long post.. shall talk abt my trip another time..
class chalet.. everyone got to the wrong place.. but nvm it was only a bit of walking.. den we all just sat around talking abt jobs and stuff.. ppl do have a lot of lobang man.. haha.. den we decided to go cycling.. casie and i learnt how to cycle with the help of our class.. thanks ppl for being beside to teach.. suffered alot of blueblack on both legs coz i kept wobbling and swerving to the right.. somehow used my leg to push against the bike to stop myself from falling.. so i didnt fall.. haha.. could cycle after abt 45min but my steering still sux.. and i never do seem to be able to brake coz i just keep forgetting that there are something called brakes instead of using my own legs.. that's why i ended up banging into karen.. and then after that she would always cycle behind me so i wun have any chance of crashing into her haha.. pin was helping barney with his aspire stuff.. oh yah talking abt this i wonder how was aspire this time..
after cycling for 2h we went back.. night time was fun.. sum pin joan and i went to the beach in the middle of the night.. the guys went fishing and we gals stood there and looked at how much work went into it.. it was v nice coz there werent many clouds and we could see alot alot of stars.. love this place.. cyn dear u should rmbr.. den something pretty drama happened.. the guys had no catch so joan and i prayed that they would catch something alive.. and so they did.. but not a fish.. a sea snake instead.. poor thing it was wrigging like mad in pain.. they tried to remove the hook while not hurting it.. not an easy task man.. and the tide was coming in.. it was really as though they were operating on it.. spent quite a long time before the hook came off.. they successfully saved it! yeah so nice.. but for the rest of the night there was no catch.. but it was still a nice night out generally i guess.. hoho.. coz i've been wanting to go to the beach badly..
played cards till pretty late.. only slept at abt.. 5? drank long island.. not too strong.. still ok.. shared 2 bottles.. and i realized sum is really nocturnal.. sum and pin ended up not sleeping and went out to get bacardi.. sick ppl need the most sleep yet they were the ones who didnt slp.. doink..
woke up pretty early in the morning.. stoned, chatted, listened to music.. it was another slack time coz we couldnt really decide where to go.. in the end we decided to split up to go escape and wild wild wet.. in the end change of plans and we went escape instead, leaving sum, pin, joan, tg and some others from his class.. haunted house was a super terrible experience.. vic who went the previous day said it was ok.. but who the hell knows that it would be different today.. we were really damn scared even before we went in.. after we did it was disaster.. there were like super many ghosts right from the first step i went in lah.. den we all cuddled together pressed against the wall and screaming our heads off.. vic beside me kept banging on the door to ask the person to let us out coz she locked the door.. xuan was so scared and pissed off she was already scolding vulgarities at the ghost lah.. we were stuck right in that position for i dunno how long before we were let out.. terrible man.. took some time to recover..
another thing abt escape: go kart.. something everyone would definitely have a go at.. went for the adult one (duh).. none of us had any experience with it.. i was just afraid that i wouldnt know how to brake, just like when im on my bike.. haha if lidat i will sure die here man.. everything was still pretty ok till the moment i was coming down the slope the 2nd time.. i was moving v fast when i saw that right at the bottom of the slope both lanes are blocked.. casie's go kart was in the wrong direction and sishan was beside her.. the guy in charge was furiously motioning me to stop.. luckily i stepped on the brake in time and stopped just behind sishan.. casie suffered injuries coz of the impact of the bang against the wall.. took care of her and brought her to first aid..
the night was spent playing cards and mahjong, compliments frm yang! mahjong on the bed isnt easy but its better than nothing.. den everyone started to go to sleep, except for barney joanne nan and i.. all dun wanna sleep.. haha.. so we played cards.. den barney started to utter rubbish and sing.. can see that he want to sleep liao but refuse to coz we all havent sleep yet.. doink.. well in the end we slept.. at.. i forgot.. v late too.. haha.. so next morning i was the last to wake up.. didnt want to wake up lahz.. had to go home earlier to wash clothes coz my flight was just on that night..
class chalet is fun.. the next time to see the whole class would be the release of alevel results.. oh wells.. take care everyone..

It's something Mystical

Saturday, December 03, 2005
withers away @ 11:53 pm

mixed emotions.. really.. i dunno.. bleah.. erm.. so fast.. too fast.. too late..
spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
angel by sarah mclachlan

It's something Mystical

Friday, December 02, 2005
withers away @ 11:30 pm

prom's over! hoho.. everyone looks so nice! finally saw bao in something which makes her look like a gal haha.. so nice! food was ok.. lost appetite towards the end.. more interested in taking photos haha.. oh yah and our class was so lucky.. winning so many stuff in the lucky draw.. and ipod!! ahhh.. and not forgetting of coz our prom queen huimin! haha.. so chio! screamed like mad lah.. missed the feeling of our whole class screaming for something.. it was nice.. there was practically no dance party at all coz everyone is just grabbing people and taking photos.. went out with the gang for a while.. its a.. i dunno wad feeling.. if only it was possible for me to stay out late alone without having to worry abt safety.. bleah.. den can sit somewhere and stone.. that'll be nice.. hoho.. v quiet..
some things changed.. some things are changing.. some things will change.. i dun think i was prepared.. neither do i feel like i will be.. there's still a lot to learn, a lot to deal with.. its tough..

It's something Mystical